Saturday, October 11, 2008

My Journey -second submission

Oct. 11, 2008

Day two of the Journey. I was a little nervous about beginning the cleanse yesterday. I had no idea how it would effect my body. So far so good. I didn’t have to run anywhere—if you know what I mean. I’ve begun to experience little twinges here and there. Nothing totally out of the norm. I guess you kinda get used to “feeling” a certain way. I’m curious to see if it does make a difference in how I feel after the fact.

I obtained a copy of the book “ Faithfully Fit” by Claire Cloninger & Laura Barr. It is a 40-day devotional plan to end the yo-yo lifestyle of chronic dieting. So perhaps that will help with the mental overhauling I need to do as well, or give me a jump start. I haven’t started it yet. I’m hoping my sister will be my buddy while doing it.

I know I need to find another outlet for my stress. I eat all the time… not exactly all the time—but nitpick at food more than I should. I know I’m not hungry. But, when I get that certain nervous feeling, I start nibbling. It seems to ease the emotional pains. It’s also an addiction.

Funny thing about addictions. You can get help for most all of them. Except your addiction to food. You can live without alcohol…live without drugs. But, you can’t live without food. So, when you are addicted to it –for that feel good feeling—how do you stop?

It’s mindless eating. You really aren’t even aware that you are doing it. It’s like grabbing that cigarette. It’s just something that you do. It calms you.

Why am I stressed? Family issues- emotional and health related. My husband’s diagnosis set off a huge train reaction inside me. No, it’s not what caused me to gain weight. I’ve been struggling with that for my entire life. It’s what started the stress eating and that day was the day I lost the joyful zest I used to have for life.

Depression and fear took over my life.
The day the music died…. Current mood: empty
The day the music died….
Music is a very powerful tool. It can be used to make a person feel quiet and restful, thoughtful…at peace. It can be used to inspire and empower. It can woo a loved one and bring two people closer than they ever thought possible. It is full of emotion. Music is a very powerful way to worship the Lord. Music was how I said my soul survived. It was a part of me. It was how God spoke to me. My heart sang constantly. I sang constantly. The joy it brought me flowed through every aspect of my life.
Then on August 6, 2006 the music in my soul died. That’s the day my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. That’s the day my heart stopped singing. That’s when I stopped singing. I took the strings off my guitar and sold my keyboard.
It’s very hard to turn on a country radio station without hearing of loss.—“ Live Like You Were Dying” “ If I die before I wake—Feed Jake” “ Will you go with me” It seems like most songs today are filled with loss and grief.
It’s very hard to listen to music without it ripping my heart apart. There is an extreme sadness where joy once overflowed. Praise and worship songs very rarely pass my lips.
When I took my current job, my friend Barb always wanted to listen to talk radio. I always had music on. Music filled me. It always played whether riding in the car, at home or at work on the pc. Now Barb listens to music and I listen to talk radio.
It’s just not in me anymore….

Yeah, it still feels like that, but it’s getting better. I am slowly beginning to listen to music a bit more. I’m still choosey and have my finger ready to shut off the radio the minute a song comes on that will rip my heart out. I’ve come to recognize some of those by the very first chord played. I guess I’m improving there. So, perhaps there truly is hope for my mental makeover.

I guess I should go take a look at that book now.

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